Grow up or get out of the way because it's going to happen whether you like it or not

My dad goes in for surgery tomorrow afternoon.

Cancer...

It's in the lymphnodes and, although things look good for his recovery, the issue gets sticky because of the location of the cancer: his neck. The doctors say that they have to remove all the lymphnodes on the left side of his neck along with a portion of his jugular vein and most likely his sternocleidomastoid muscle as well. He may even lose a portion of his Accessory Nerve (one of the 12 Cranial Nerves). The loss of this will have an effect on his use and sensation of the left side of his neck and lower cheek. Not to mention the fact that his appearance will be different from here on out.

I won't sh** you, it's serious and I'm scared. Starting tomorrow things are going to be very different our family. Dad's life will be changed forever no matter how good the outcome and I don't know how ready I am to deal with that change. I want to run away. Ignore it. Smile, crack a joke and pretend that this will all go away if we just give it some time. But I would be left in the same place I always feel like I've been with that side of my family... standing on the outside looking in because I never would allow myself to get close enough. Keep them all at arms distance for it's too painful to be that close. It's too painful to deal with the messy stuff of life that inherently comes with family relationships.

But have you noticed that everything I've written so far is about ME!? What the hell is my problem that I can't for one moment get my focus off of myself and on to my dad. After all, he's the one with the cancer. He's the one that is having this surgery. He's the one that will have to deal so acutely with all these changes and all I can do is whine about my inability to deal with these things. I don't know if I am ready to deal with the change but the status quo sure the hell hasn't worked for me.

I am going to the hospital to be with my dad tomorrow because he's having surgery. He has cancer and he can't do this on his own. He needs me tomorrow and that's okay because I need him too. We'll get through this together.